Usually i dont rant on over the internet, i usually get rid of everything after a few too many ciders, but iv had a lot on my mind recently and iv been meaning to do this for a while. I dont know why, i dont expect anyone to read this but i think if i write it down i can get it out of mind.
I dont really know where to start but i guess it would be regret. Im a strong believer in the ‘you only regret the things you didnt do’ way of life, that being said i find it alot easier saying it to myself than actually putting it into action. There has been a few times iv done it and its payed off, things have gone well and life goes on, but theres also times when it has failed miserably and everything has fallen apart infront of me, leading to countless thoughts of how i should have done things differently. Its a strange thing questioning a saying that you have done your best to live by, its like when you find out something dark about someone you know and your heart sinks. The worst thing is that although i hate myself for the times it has fucked up i cant forget how happy i was when it went right, that leads to even more questions and general unnecessary brain bullshit.
The next thing that is pissing me off is that one annoying little itch that always seems to be able to squirm its way into every shitty situation that my life has to offer, even those that couldnt be further away from involving themselfs and it always finds a way to reflect itself and make everything worse for me, while said person sits unaware of how selfish their actions have been and what impact they have on other peoples lifes. I find this happens alot within that certain group of friends, how anyone could live knowing in the back of their minds that everyone they think they love is two facing every detail of themselves to everyone else while the same thing is happening to them! Everything is fucked, no one knows who to trust, everyone is as two faced and bitchy as the last while a select few have to sit there and accept both sides of the argument while trying to maintain both friendships … … but of course you dont know who or what i am talking about which is probably for the best, im sure it would cause more shit than it would solve.
The final thing i guess is a mix of both, the fact that the only reason the regretting the shit you dont do way of life failed me this time is because of such a person being too involved where they dont belong. A place that i would have thought would have been the last place they could possibly crop up and they manage too. For 3 years you fucked around with me until you couldnt get your own way, at which point you fucked off only to pop up again to blame me for something you did! Shit calmed down after that for a long time until you started poping up again, only little things but i did my best to stay well clear of them all until recently you burst on the scene, out of no where, i really couldnt think of a more unlikely person to pop up just to cause another load of shit on my life. I dont know whos fault it was but dont act all offended when i tell you to fuck off and get a grip. You need to stop doing this shit and start to realise how much of a twat you really are.
I think thats all i need to say for now but i just cant shake the idea of how my life would have turned out if things were different. If i had never met either of you, if i had met different people at a different time, or if people would have made different decisions before putting themselves in the position of us both wanting to change things but neither wanting to break first, i guess everyone is just stubborn in reality. Ohh well, i guess ill tell myself what i always do … … .
Everything is going to be alright, one way or another.